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Not for Me
by Wendy Freebourne
It was unusual for Tanya to put her feet up. She meant to fix those
shelves for her computer books.
She sipped her coffee, losing herself in thought, her legs stretched
out on the sofa in front of her.
Tanya sighed. She had a good job,
her own flat, a car – her independence. She thought about her
ability to do most things for herself, which satisfied her. She sighed
again. But I’m not happy. This is all very
well, but when will there be someone for me?
She was tired of going it alone. There had been men in her life. She
had even been married – briefly. But she didn’t seem to
fit the housewife role.
But that’s
rubbish. I can cook and keep house as well as anyone, she argued with
herself. And I’d love to have a child – but my job.
She sipped her coffee again and
thought: My dad would be proud of me, if he was
still alive. I’ve done so well in my career.
But is it
making me happy now?
Tanya felt sad again. If
only he’d had more faith in me. If only he’d lived to
see what I could do.
She remembered how her dad would tell her off when she brought her
school reports home. ‘Second in the class again,’ he complained.
‘You’re so stupid!’
Tanya had worked hard to prove him wrong. She put herself through
university, doing part-time jobs. Her dad refused to help. She remembered
his words, ‘It’ll be money wasted. You should get married
and have a family.’
He had such
traditional values, she thought. He believed
all women should be housewives – like mum.
It was then Tanya realised, I
don’t have to prove anything to anyone now. And I can have a
family because I want to, not because he said so.
She thought about her ex-husband, Peter. At first, she found his stability
attractive. ‘He’s solid and trustworthy,’ her mother
had said. ‘He’ll always look after you.’
Tanya didn’t know how her
own career would develop then. Peter turned out to be stuck in his
dead end job. He objected to Tanya working and tried to hold her back.
Now she could see Peter felt threatened by her success, even though
they’d met at university. No ambition,
she thought. He wasn’t a go getter
like me. Like her father, he tried to undermine her. There
was resentment, rows and eventually a split.
Tanya’s dad came from a poor family and left school when he
was fourteen.
‘A man has to have a trade,’ her mother used to say.
He was a carpenter. But he could have been anything,
Tanya thought, if he wanted to.
The penny dropped. Sour
grapes, she thought. They were both jealous
of me! That’s why they disapproved. Tanya had never thought
anyone could be jealous of her. Suddenly she saw herself differently.
She didn’t feel stupid any more. Of course,
mum wasn’t a threat to him, was she? She’d had hardly
any education.
Tanya jumped off the sofa and grabbed the ‘phone. She rang her
office. She was late already. ‘I have a code,’ she said,
pinching her nose. ‘Cand make it today. Reschedule my appointments
please, Lucy,’ she told her secretary.
Then she rang Sandy. She knew Sandy’s children were at school
all day.
‘Meet me for lunch?’ she said down the ‘phone. ‘My
treat.’
Tanya chose some casual clothes and put on a little make-up. She got
in her car and headed for the restaurant they had agreed on, not expensive,
but decent. Although still perplexed, she was feeling more upbeat
by now.
As she pulled up at the lights
on the High Street, an open top car stopped beside her. She noticed
a pleasant looking man, about her own age. Not
my type, she thought, but nice eyes. She
glanced at the woman beside him and the two little girls in the back
of the car. Usual scenario.
The man smiled at her. Cheek,
Tanya thought, feeling her own cheeks burning. When the lights
changed, he gestured for her to go first. The woman beside him smiled.
Odd, Tanya thought.
‘All I ever wanted was a home and a family,’ Sandy
said, between mouthfuls of steak and chips. ‘And a loving
husband to come home to me.’
Tanya knew Sandy didn’t eat steak very often.
‘The trouble is, I don’t think there is a man for me,’
Tanya told her. ‘I’m too independent, too self-sufficient.
The men I’ve known seem to want to control me.’
‘Rog doesn’t control me.’ Sandy looked at Tanya
thoughtfully. ‘If you were so self-sufficient, you wouldn’t
need a man. But you do, don’t you?’
‘Yes.’ Tanya had to admit it.
‘If he walked into your life today,’ Sandy asked her,
‘what would he look like?’
Tanya’s stomach flipped – a mix of fear and excitement.
‘Tall, slim, in his forties, slightly greying.’
‘But that’s not it. He would be kind and stable and
love me lots,’ she said. ‘Ooo, that feels better.’
Sandy was looking beyond Tanya. ‘That man over there is looking
at you,’ she whispered.
Tanya glanced to her right. The man eating alone was shortish and
stocky. He smiled and she saw the kindest pair of deep blue eyes
twinkling at her. In that moment, her heart went out to him. He
rose and came towards her. ‘David,’ he said, offering
his hand.
He was the man from the High Street.
What’s
he up to? Tanya thought.
‘I’m Tanya.’ She introduced Sandy. ‘Your
wife and daughters not eating with you?’
David laughed. Tanya’s stomach flipped again. ‘That
was my sister and my nieces. I’m not married.’ He laughed
again. ‘Actually, my sister was ribbing me about asking you
out for a drink. She could tell I found you attractive.’
She looked at Sandy. My
ideal man is just a dream, thought Tanya, but
reality may be different. He’s nice. Why not?
‘Thank you. I’d like that.’ she told the stranger
she felt she was already getting to know.
Two weeks later she knew him well enough to let him fix her book
shelves for her.
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